The Death of N.F.T.s | The New Yorker


We, the architects and early adopters of N.F.T.s (non-fungible tokens) hear you, and, efficient instantly, we’re shutting down N.F.T.s.

We hear you whenever you say that our know-how—producing digital certificates of authenticity on the blockchain through the use of highly effective computer systems—doesn’t meet any want apart from our personal lust for energy. We hear you whenever you say that these highly effective computer systems contribute unnecessarily to local weather change. We hear you since you’re being a wittle too loud.

All the good improvements of the previous—gravity, the printing press, the panini press—confronted skepticism. However we’re totally different from earlier innovators; we’re taking motion. By retiring N.F.T.s, we’re liberating up bandwidth to create even higher improvements to unravel humanity’s most urgent issues in additional ethical, equitable methods.

Listed here are a number of the newest and best concepts in our tech stack to fill the hole left by the loss of life of N.F.T.s.

PADOPs (Pouring Arsenic Instantly Onto Vegetation)

PADOPs can have a negligible influence on the planet (when you take into accounts your entire historical past of the planet). Which may lead you to ask, “So, they’re doing simply as a lot harm as N.F.T.s?” We’re one step forward of you. We’re already exploring methods to cut back PADOPs’ environmental influence, and have made unimaginable strides with P.A.D.O.J.S.P.s (Pouring Arsenic Instantly on Simply Some Vegetation).

W.T.F.s (Wittle, Tiny Forest Fires)

W.T.F.s use the strategic burning of wooded areas to create an simple file of every transaction on the blockchain. A devastated forest is nature’s unique certification of authenticity.

W.M.D.s 2.0

These are the weapons of mass destruction that you realize and love, however much more accessible to non-warlords. Anybody with a smartphone can commerce and visitors in percentages of planet-annihilating gadgets—simply obtain the cool, easy-to-use Destroy app (iOS solely!). Now, a small-business proprietor can buy 0.0000000000000000000000000000001 per cent of a nuclear missile, or a stay-at-home mother can personal 0.00000000000000000001 per cent of a grenade launcher. And each can purchase their very personal flamethrower! That’s progress. For too lengthy, the barrier to enter warlording has been too excessive for normal individuals; W.M.D.s 2.0 welcome everybody to the American imperial dream of democratizing destruction and eventually making ruination accessible.

D.P.s and B00Bs (Dick Pics and Massive Ol’ Oval Boobies)

Boob, dick, and butt pics ought to make somebody attractive and make somebody cash. By registering your boob, dick, and/or butt pic and convincing ten associates to do the identical, you’ll be on the prime of a pyramid-like construction, which allows you to monetize the large, surveillance-based cataloging of each penis, ass, and pair of breasts on Earth. Better of all, this delicate information can be hyper-encrypted in order that it can’t be misused by native legislation enforcement. It can solely be accessible to be misused by federal legislation enforcement.

EPPEs (evil, pure, pure evil)

Lastly, we’re thrilled to debut EPPEs, a brand-new, never-before-seen know-how, which is able to (full disclosure) most likely finish most of humanity. Earlier than the skeptics and cancel-culture warriors object a wittle too loudly, although, remember that EPPE early adopters will have the ability to construct a brand new society and pillage the belongings of the useless. Allow us to be clear—we really feel sort of unhealthy about this one. Even for us, it’s a bit a lot. Are we completely nonetheless going to deploy it? After all. However we’re going to grimace and sulk about like a schoolboy for a number of days after. The world will nonetheless burn, however we can be considerably upset in ourselves.

So, pour out a PADOP, burn a W.T.F., purchase a W.M.D., get attractive for D.P.s and B00Bs, and be fast about it. EPPEs are about to doc the ultimate transaction on the blockchain—the loss of life of humanity for a wittle bit of money.

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